Recently, I successfully cajoled my 84 year-old mother into coming for a visit from Georgia. Actually, “strong-armed” is more like it. I was planning to visit for her birthday, and I asked her over the phone if she would let me bring her back with me for a few days following the celebration. She told me, “I don’t think so this time. You are just too busy, and I don’t want to be an imposition.” I could read between the lines here, but she was not getting off that easy. If her answer was no, she was going to have to own it. I explained that I would not have asked her if it was an imposition, that we would slow down the pace to enjoy her visit, and that I really wanted her to come. I told her it was fine for her to decline, but she couldn’t put it on me. Then, thankfully, she changed her mind.
Direct and honest communication is dear to me. I strive to use it, and I appreciate receiving it. (And sometimes, like in this example, I kind-of insist on it). But I, too, can be guilty of disguising what I truly think and feel occasionally. We might justify our deception because we believe our intentions are good. But, if occasionally becomes routinely, a habit of withholding the truth (even about little things) can lead to some undesirable results.
For instance: A grandmother agrees to watch her grandchildren for her daughter frequently, without telling her daughter that she is starting to feel taken advantage of. Instead of being honest with her daughter, she vents to her husband and friends, and becomes resentful. An opportunity is lost for the daughter to gain understanding, for the grandmother to exercise her voice assertively, and for the two of them to handle conflict in a constructive way that fosters trust and respect.
Here’s another one: A wife is bothered by her husband’s attention to his phone during dinner. Instead of saying anything, she gives him the silent treatment through the evening while her frustration grows. She makes assumptions about being low on her husband’s priority list and thinks to herself, he just doesn’t care. And, what if she has already talked to him about this previously? She may feel as if there’s no use bringing it up again. Dissatisfaction and hopelessness gain some ground here.
In relationships that matter, we have to keep retooling. We may have made attempts to express ourselves in the past that left us feeling rejected. But, it might be appropriate to try again, prayerfully considering our timing and attitude. Are we speaking the truth in love, or speaking lies with a smile? (“Yes, I can bring a casserole to the bible study,” while thinking, why am I always the one that has to bring something?…I am too busy!) If we don’t own that thought and express it, we will likely grow in our discontent, which will actually be our choice.
When I got to Georgia, I felt a little bad about how I had railroaded my mom on the phone. I gave her every opportunity to opt out, seeking for how she truly felt. She still wanted to come, and we had a wonderful visit together…precious time that almost didn’t happen. I am glad I challenged her original response. And, now, I lovingly challenge all of you (and me) to let our communication be “perfectly straightforward and sincere,” as Paul describes his teaching in 1 Thessalonians. Pray for boldness to address conflict directly and honestly, before a seed of resentment is sown. And, in time, you might reap a deeper, more trusting, and respectful relationship.
Jo is a Licensed Professional Counselor at St. Mark’s. You can reach her by phone (601- 259-1749) or email (.(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)).
